“Let’s try to ruin the planet. The Bible says to subdue it, and isn’t that what subdue means? Obliterate?”
“I like it. Let’s brainstorm some ideas.”
“Okay, well first, let’s take something that we’ve done a long time without hurting the planet and then make just a few simple changes so that it does hurt the planet.”
“Ok, ok, I see it. But it won’t work if no one makes any money at it.”
“Right. Hey, I’ve got it. Let’s bottle water and sell it. And use plastic bottles that will never biodegrade. At least not in our lifetime.”
“Will people go for that? When they can just walk over to their tap and get a glass of water?”
“We’ll have to market it well. We can call it spring water.”
“Where will we get all that spring water?”
“Oh, we’ll just call it spring water. Mostly it will be just regular tap water. If we have to, we can filter it.”
“But why would people buy water in a bottle when they can just…”
“Yeah, you already said that. We’ll tell them how convenient it is.”
“Convenient? But they have to buy it, and then carry it with them, and then find a place to throw it away …”
“Yeah, but think of all those times you wished you had a bottle of water and you didn’t have one.”
“Couldn’t people just use their own bottles and refill them?”
“That’s what marketing is for.”
“Check, bottled water. It will have the added benefit of making people pay for something that’s been virtually free.”
“Bottled water is just a start.”
“What else do you have in mind?”
“Coffee has become a huge market.”
“Oh right. But coffee packaging must already be ruining the planet pretty well, right? There’s the bags, and the filters, and the plastic scoops.”
“But we can do more. What if we packaged coffee in single-serve, plastic cups?”
“Oooh …”
“Yeah, cool, right?”
“You don’t have to tell me the marketing on that one. Americans are crazy about individual choice. What’s more individual that coffee just the way you like it?”
“Before long, a year’s worth of those little cups could circle the earth like, eleven times.”
“No. No, you’re kidding me. No. those cups are really little.”
“Truth. And you know the best part?”
“The money?”
“Yep. I’m pretty sure we can make those cups cost about twice as much as buying and brewing coffee from a bag of beans.”
“You’re really amazing, you know that? Subduing the planet and wasting financial resources at the same time. You’ve really got the touch.”
“Enough flattery. Let’s talk now about making cars much bigger than they need to be–they’ll use more fuel, and at the same time make their drivers aggressive because they’ll have a “mine is bigger than yours” car.”
“Who says there are no good ideas anymore?
Susan Fuchtman 